It's so, so gossamer light when it's being laid down. You don't even notice, when it's being laid down, it's just one tiny invisible thread at a time - but i don't even know how far it goes back. It's so light, so delicate, and so fucking binding, i have no idea when it began. When i consider, when i consider x and y and z, i am nearly certain it goes back all the way to the beginning. That first summer, for example, and what he told me about it long afterwards; and the way it sheds light on how i was treated down south, in general - that's not an accident. It wasn't my imagination and i wasn't being overly sensitive and i wasn't crazy - that was the pattern. I rather think it was always there. (That's pretty fucking dark, that is.)

This is going to keep popping up, isn't it, unexpectedly, like this? Less and less often, as i identify more and more pattern, how wide and how deep and how long, and how all-encompassing, like some horrible, corrosive lace laid over an entire decade. I'll just stumble into some raw stub of history and be numb and angry for a week or two. Even now, I know enough to go, Oh, That old thing again. I know that one, i was expecting it.

(I met someone who told me something i had suspected about what now by all rights ought to be ancient history but i that had not known for absolute certain until just that moment. So. You know. I was expecting it. Still. Ow.)

I am also not sure what i can say.

Labels: blogging, drama

the sun shines golden and it's all dreamy, and the news cycle makes me never want to go - i should say home, but i shouldn't. If i went back it wouldn't be home, like here; i notice even when i visit, and the things i hear make me not want to even visit. Here, i have such a pervasive sense of home, now, in most cases, about most things, and there it would be exactly flipped.

Labels: blogging

it is groundhog day, isn't it? that means ... Happy birthday, old buddy, old pal. I've had Morning has broken stuck in my head for i don't know how long, but seem to have gone all Alice on the lyrics.

Labels: blogging

i love the stacking on of layers, scarf, hat, other scarf, the fingertip gloves. My fingers will feel the thing the Austrians are calling a Russian frost, like little fires, and the end of my nose, and my feet are always cold under the blankets. Always.

When it snows we stand still, catching snowflakes on our tongues and mittens, and cut shapes out of paper. We make soup, we make bread, frame photographs, hang curtains. There is an endless collection of laundry, of coffee-cups, of dust in the corners and under the bed. The potatoes grow eyes in the kitchen, and we have named the little black spider in the highest corner of the ceiling. I will put on the flannel sheets later.

Labels: blogging

i could always post lyrics, post more recipes. Would that be vague enough for my own conscience, to keep this one slate still clean, if i don't say what i want to say but only one at a time, and one and one and one, until until i don't bleed any more when i open my mouth.

i should paint. i could buy a thousand canvases and only black paint, and give them away like candy, black squares, black rectangles. It's what i'm already doing, anyway. Or i could leave them white: the color of naivete, the color of death, somewhere. Call it art. It's a cynical day.

Labels: blogging

happy birth day to M
happy birth day to M
with your sprained wrist men-is-cus
happy birth day to M

happy birth day to M
happy birth day to M
hope your Lyme disease goes a-way
happy birth day to M

happy birth day to M
happy birth day to M
O, he's the best dad-dy
happy birth day to M

happy birth day to M
we live in a zoo
our girl is a mon-key
but Darwin was too.

yes, yes, i have been busy. And it was last week, yeah. But we were travelling and there were people here and it's far more fun to do those things than blog. This is why i put down the camera sometimes - because people are starting to call me a bit of a shutterbug when i have it, i take photos like a paparazzo - so i resist the urge to document it all. Deliberately. And this means that i miss shots and that i skip writing things that i should write (see also: M's family's thank you letters) but living this is what i am doing, first, not archiving. So now M is off playing poker at B's and E is sleeping and the fam is off in their rented apartment on the other side of Rennweg, they're staying in the Balkans, ha, and A and L have flown away home, and there's me and the dog and the dog is asleep on the floor. But this is still me going to bed instead of uploading more things to Flickr like i said i would. Meh, maybe tomorrow.

Labels: blogging, family, festivities, health, writing

And now it's your turn: even though delurking week is in January, thousandth post day only comes around once, so who are you, and how did you get here, and why did you stick around? You. The one reading this. I've had thirty-five thousand hits but the only thing i know about you is your IP, and your browser, and your screen resolution, and what country you're from and who your internet provider is, and all those things don't really say very much about a person.

Labels: blogging

L has so much hair, i can't even tell you. There are photos of it - one moment - okay, here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/thebazil (maybe, scroll down a bit).

Also she's showing E up and rolling over plenty often. And she smiles at you and god, i love it when babies smile at you. And she has the cutest crinkly little smile and she peeks up at you and it's just absolute perfection. And you know you look at the pictures and you think she's cute, but then you meet her and she's so much cuter. (I totally meant to get a million pictures but then i got there and was too busy being awed. I have come to the realization that i am in love with baby noses. So small! So nuzzly!) So we got to their house (because they are so talented with the direction giving, those Seattle folk) and we all traded babies and cuddled for a bit and L is so zen that M could go off to an appointment (well, leaving us with OtherM still home, but bust) and we got to completely monopolize all the babies - both L and OtherL (who is shockingly running around awfully well at not even one yet, making one think about babyproofing very very soon and up to at least three feet), plus E - which was a little chaotic, but fun - and L could just cuddle us two strangers and be perfectly happy. Wow. And then M came home and we had more musical babies and cuddling, and then we went for a walk because their neighborhood has a nice park and a lake and whatnot (albeit at the bottom of a very large hill) with us two and our matching Ergos. Heart. (Tie dyed baby clothes. More heart.) And then - then! M is a hero.

Did y'all get that? M is a hero.

Because only a very extraordinary person could make many pans of lasagna, enough to serve, what, a dozen people, even sending some of them home with more lasagna and still having leftovers, while having a three month old. (Especially a three month old this cute, who you just want to cuddle and cuddle and cuddle.)

Let me also mention the insanity that is having lots of kids close in age all in one room: you realize exactly how short this all is. That, sure, we're carefully combing through The No-Cry Sleep Solution right now, but when she's eight or nineteen she almost certainly won't still be waking up at two and wanting to nurse. That OtherL is able to do all these things, walk, run, terrorize the dogs, show motive and decisiveness, throw things across the room, and we're more than halfway there with E, agewise, and L is more than halfway to E's chattery wigglebutt stage. And while they are people now, they are very rapidly growing and becoming and turning into toddlers and real kids. This is all so vastly different from a year ago - back then none of us knew what was coming. Quite honestly i don't think we know what's coming now, either, but you get these daddies and they look at their babies and smile because everything is completely different, now, and i always say everything is like the sun coming out but it's like the sun coming out. And you never knew there was a sun. And M is glowing with it (official MILF inauguration, right there) and I is pretty glowy himself - whenever L is near either of them they get that goofy, unaware grin. Did i say yet that they were great parents? Great parents, and great lasagna-makers, i should point that out.

I just have to marvel again (because i have a new space for it, whee: i tricked them into letting me on their blog! king me! captured! Borg wins! ahahaha, everything is my blog!) that people have been feeling this way about their daughters since the beginning of time, right? They must have. And people said we'd love our kids, but noone mentioned that we'd feel like this. And people said everything would change, but nobody told us everything would change. And someone might have said how nothing else would matter, but nobody commented on the crashing irrelevance of all that had gone before. Um, Other People? Where are your communication skills?

Love from Vienna,
Liz, M, and Tiny-But-Now-Slightly-Larger E

Labels: baby, blogging, people

No, no, not him, the stupid one.

Wow, did you get new glasses? (No.) Oh. [pause] Then did you get cancer? You look older.

October's birthstones are pink tourmaline and opal.

Eew. No. Just burn it, I don't even want to see it.

Oh, no, here [demonstration] ... I mean sometimes I think everyone is, you know, smart, but I guess someone has to average out the IQ, huh?

You're having wine? Why?

You really look like Jean Teasdale in this photo.

um, I sneezed on that.

Labels: blogging

i was a better writer when i was lonely and depressed. Oh well. and haven't i always said i'd rather be happy than smart?

edit: on the other hand, i am a way better cook when i'm not the only person eating.

Labels: blogging, writing

ooh, new blogger. With labels. Good Blogger: rapid updating of new template. Plays nice with Technorati.

Edit: Bad Blogger: i hate the blogger labels. how do i freaking customize, people? liz needs answers. liz is very picky about her layout. Oh, the hell with it. i'm done. for now.

Labels: blogging

am combing through previous posts for things i might not want people to see. for just in case. because it's a good idea to do that every once in a while, and it's kind of fun. i've had this thing almost two years now :D go me!

Labels: blogging

no, i'm not dead. or anything else drastic. just ... boring.

Oh, but batman begins is worth your seven bucks, and i don't say that a lot.

Labels: blogging

has been, or blogger has been, or somebody has been fucking with the internet and messing up the title-lines and ... buncha savages in this town. it's only messing up the title-lines on blogs with self-created templates. and yes, sure, they're happy, they've got photo support now ... i quite deliberately am not using photos, all they do is fuck up my layout these days, thankyouverymuch ... i've been trying to work that paisley in, for example, for about a year, because i like it, only it hasn't fit, ever, and i'm starting to doubt it ever will, simply because i don't have the patience for it. i like a text-based page. very old school, back when lynx was the browser of choice ... and there were no fonts but fixedsys ... *sigh* but the fast loading makes up for it. because i need to check every three minutes if anybody new has commented and if a page takes three minutes to load ... not that it would ... not that that is the point ... or that i'm sure i even have one ... typing out loud. didn't get a whole week's worth of things to do, at work, while everyone is gone at a conference in florida except me and the part-timers (that aren't even here this morning, or maybe today, and are quiet when they are). Almost a whole week - tomorrow is entirely full, looks like, and i have mouse exsanguination / cranial dislocation training this afternoon, and we'll see how that goes, it's a good thing i'm cold-hearted, but ... hopefully i can convince myself i'm cold-hearted, right? because exsanguination doesn't, er, sound like it's going to be a walk in the park. eeeurgh. Am cold-hearted. they don't call me the ice queen for nothing. (okay, okay, that was a very long time ago. but still.) another post about nothing. oh well.

Labels: blogging

may be about to change, again, since somehow the titles of the posts keep fucking up the layout? vote on colors now. It's staying gray though.

ETA: n, is it working on firefox yet? Oh i hope she scrolls down to this.

Labels: blogging

also, would like to point out: everyone is blogging food, and it's making me hungry.

Labels: blogging

i'm going to, eventually, get back to all the wedding stuff. Promise. but first, you know it's been too long since you've had a pear if, when you bite into one, you think, Mmmmm, it smells like a candle. now, i don't officially like pears - they get oxidized so fast and the thick skins get caught in my teeth - but candles smell good. and it wasn't like m was gonna eat it, either.

Labels: blogging, food

attn. all:

sean has a blog.

Thank you.

Labels: blogging

(1) i have a new username there, and it is bloggerbazil, and please add me to your friends; and
(2) i hate LJ. because all of my usernames are taken. those bastards! and
(3) i have no idea how to join communities or anything? what are these? who is in them? is there one for poho? wtf????
(4) wait. i can get calvin and hobbes? i can get calvin and hobbes! hmm...

Labels: blogging

but i left you with a discussion topic. Tyvm for input all. still in the running are: moriah, madeleine (WITH the e), margo. Not in that order. But. Liked moriah. Maybe like madeleine now. i get to use all my Es that way. and it's french. ha!

many to-do things. many. wedding planning eats time. and sanity. in every email i send my head is exploding. dear Everyone: Elope. run. away. now. dear Self: Do not be a Type A. you don't like Type As. remember to blog about the love and the beauty and the freakish neuroses. and that this, too, will pass. and that everybody is a jelly donut. Zen and the art of trying on wedding gowns. Zen and the art of ordering invitations. Zen and the art of caterer negotiations. Zen and the art of spontaneous human combustion. I am jack's gradually increasing sense of wedding fatigue. i am jack's vague hope that wedding fatigue will not interfere with, you know, stuff. i am jack's almost-certainty that wedding fatigue will not interfere with, you know, stuff, really.

it could be worse: i found a girl at work (a lovely girl, really) who Doesn't Know Who Ani Is. and, um, the sort of girl that really ought to know. yes? worse. note the Tight Lid on the Drama. *head explodes*

Labels: blogging

*not very factual on motorcycles either

:anmut: :annika: :chin: :dooce: :ewok mama: :food: :little frog school: :lj: :longform: :low odysseys: :natalya: :rich: :salon: :slate: :this is how: :unique yn:



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