scrawls.

scrawls

still cheaper than therapy*

30.9.14

put on your own mask first

Sometimes it all seems so far away. It is all so far away. But other times i don't notice - or it doesn't matter - or everything is far away, and all times are soon. Those jewel-toned moments, the imprisoned lightning, will always exist. (we have always been at war with eastasia. we have always lived in the castle. we will always end up here. the man in black fled across the desert.) What happens after we die, she asks? but what is after?

tolle talks about the now. So did Annie. It is always now. And now has only the residues of before and only the tiny seeds of next, and we all wade through it, panning for gold ... It has always been so far away, so foreign. And it is always right there.

I carry it in my heart - your freedoms, your wide-open limitlessness, your dreams. your Dream. your closed-up, deep-running shame and prudery. your ambition. your confidence. your stated acceptance, your fear, your optimism and unshakeable belief, your paranoia and conspiracy theories - your total mixed-up-ed-ness and canyony divisions. Your willingness to work for things, and hard, and angrily; to willfully ignore things, your refusal of help or criticism, your entitlement and privilege. But you were never a monolith - you were cracked from the very beginning, fault lines and statelines running up and down and crossing, supervolcanoes in waiting. There were always people to say that everything was going to shit, and that your welcome was hollow, your inherited colonialism arrogant and presumptious: they'd been saying it already for hundreds of years before i was born.

They're right, always.

But they say it everywhere else, too, and in every language.

The way you evolve further, now - where are you going? The more you change, do you stay the same? Am i fixed in amber, a relic? My voice changes, my language changes, people say my words are not the same as your words, and you seem so terrified and angry. Is it already too late?

Labels: expat, reflection

scrawled @ 08:55