scrawls.

scrawls

still cheaper than therapy*

10.1.14

Identity

It is having a crisis. I don't know what to say here, how to reclaim it.

I had hoped that when it was finalized, it would also be done, but of course that has turned out to definitely not be the case. Very far from the case. I had hoped i could wrap it all up in a big black box and let it slowly turn to dust in a distant attic corner, but it's not working. I knew this would happen. I said this would happen. I told you. I fucking told you. And i know what you say about backpacks, but that doesn't make it - that doesn't make it okay, that doesn't make it acceptable for me to continue to behave this way. For me.

(Please note: there is one of me, and seven billion seperate yous, plus the whole world. Chances are, you're not it. Chances are, we will never meet. Chances are, i will never see you again.)

You disappeared, and you have not kept your promise. I don't know if you're happy this way - again, i hope so. The world has seemed bigger since then, and emptier, and more friendly, when i remember. Full of connection and possibility. I trust people. Dear god thank you for that. Anyone could be you.

It has been so long ... i am so much older. This hasn't been turning to dust at all, i swear it (though anyway i hold it too precious) -

It's okay. You were none of you anything i could keep.

Layer upon layer and how do we find meaning in the world. If i have always known you, if i have always been with you, i have always lost you. It has forever been this way...

You exist. This is the connection. The universe is in chaos, is in change, and as it would be completely egotistical to contain it i have to let it go. i have to let it go. i have to let it go.

Labels: people

scrawled @ 12:27