scrawls.

scrawls

still cheaper than therapy*

15.2.12

letter to a friend who is starting a divorce

Oh, gods, what awful news.

I am well - this is part of what i can tell you, it gets better. Not every day, not every week, you can't always tell it's getting better, but it gets better. Having a shiny new boyfriend is good, but not having a shitty toxic relationship is way better. If your divorce is anything like mine, then respecting yourself and loving yourself and trusting yourself is a whole lot better than hoping somebody else will respect and love and trust you, and being constantly frustrated. Some of it is redblackangry (or a lot of it, sometimes, for a while), and some of it is awfully sad, and you learn a lot about resiliency and love and forgiveness, towards yourself. I felt weird: i felt like i was depressed, for a long time, but without all the self-esteem issues that normally come with depression, for me, and i was angry, and confused, and free, and sad - give yourself permission to feel however you do. You will process it in your own way - trust yourself, as much as you can, and keep putting one foot in front of the other foot, and forgive yourself a lot. You can do this.

Legalwise, you'll probably still get through it faster than me, as there are nine months out of the year where i can't do anything with divorce proceedings as one or the other of us is dealing with residency permits. Fear of getting deported is not a motivator for going faster but as an EU citizen you've not got that at least. I now know that i can stay legally on my own without him but it took a good long time to even know that for sure as we haven't hired lawyers, and since then it has been continuous with the residency permits, and now we're *finally* both here and separately legal and comfortable, and now we have to work on paperwork in German, and we both hate paperwork. Frustrating, but there it is, and anyway we are both at peace with it. But once you hire a lawyer i think it becomes harder and harder to un-hire them, and they are not necessary but will make you believe otherwise. The basic process is that you write a legal paper and bring it to your local district judge on the open court day, and present it that you want to get divorced; and then you get a date to come back and arrange everything, which involves a second legal paper; lawyers aren't required. But anyway i haven't got a lawyer to recommend; i asked originally some various people for contacts but everyone essentially said that unfortunately no, they wouldn't recommend the particular lawyer they used (and some went further and said that all lawyers are rapacious and lazy scum, but someone always says that). With no lawyer, it costs something like €650, all told. More information is at http://www.scheidungen.at/ and https://www.help.gv.at/Portal.Node/hlpd/public/content/10/Seite.100001.html and Google gets better every year though of course it's all in German; there are other interesting things at http://www.2minus1.at/category/scheidung-trennung ,articles and things, there are blogs, whatnot. There was a scheidungs-messe a few years ago but there hasn't been one in Austria since; i think on the first Tuesday of the month there is free legal aid somewhere in the first district in the mornings, but with a regular hours job, that doesn't help much. Whenever my divorce finally arrives it will be an einvernehmliche Scheidung, and we haven't got any property or significant debt, etc., and we have come to our agreements on custody and child support and who gets which bank account and all the tiny details... even the mediators i found were €100 an hour, so i didn't call them, either. But with no lawyer, and no mediator, it has taken a long time to figure things out. I figure, it either takes time, or money, and between working and parenting and attempting to stay sane, time is also at a premium, but at least it's one i can afford.

I think i called my mom every day for months, just to have a grownup to talk to in english, and if she wasn't on i would Skype anybody, just anybody. I had a life-coach (who was actually recommended to me by the previous marriage counselor; the marriage counselor was a wash, but the life-coach was good). I played computer games, killing pixels, beating the everloving shit out of pixels. I wrote about a third of a book. I took a lot of very hot showers - the boyfriend is still paying the price for that one, as our new apartment hasn't got an on-demand water heater. I read books, philosophy and literature and self-help and crap paperback novels, i followed the Dalai Lama and Eckhart Tolle on Facebook. I took a sleeping pill when i needed to, i put whiskey in my tea, and i didn't get laid until i was good and ready. I wrote emails to people i hadn't seen in ages, and if they wrote back i read the replies over and over again, even if i never replied. I cooked things my ex hated. I watched all the movies he'd never wanted to see. I bought new sheets, painted the kitchen, and rearranged all the furniture in the entire apartment. I double- and triple-checked all the financial things, backup spreadsheets, the whole nine. When E was with her dad i went for hugely long walks anywhere in the city. I took up yoga, meditation. I grew closer to my friends, old friends, new friends; i grew closer to my daughter. I grew stronger, and more resilient, and more open. I grew more me, which was good and empowering and let me breathe and exist and not walk on eggshells all the damn time. I respect myself more than i did. I believe in myself and in my abilities, in my decisions. I kept my integrity. I regret nothing.

Call if you need to, or want to. I'm free this weekend - E will be with her dad and of course there are errands to run, but generally. Call. Talking is good.

Labels: letter, reflection

scrawled @ 13:27