scrawls.

scrawls

still cheaper than therapy*

15.5.07

i hate exercise. Going to gyms. Being with all the muscley, superior people: you know what they're thinking, and you internalize it. being the one slow person on the elliptical. and it takes so long. Running, even jogging, is like torture, for many reasons. and it seems so pointless: nothing changes. When i can make myself go on a regular basis for a good period of time, nothing changes. five days a week for two months, nothing changes. i signed up for a gym. i went. Regularly. Nothing changes. Everything they tell you is that something should be changing, there, but no, it just makes every day sucky and tired and grouchy and busy and disappointed. And then after no time to make dinner. i hate thinking i need to exercise. thinking i should. the guilt they lay on you. and nothing changes.

i have never been on a diet. Ever. No atkins, no south beach, no follow-this-plan. But it's still there: if i eat an entire, delicious plate of carbs, this thing. if i stir fry a giant mound of fresh vegetables, i can tell myself it's healthy to eat them. A giant mound of fresh vegetables. Which ought to be healthy, by any stretch: green and yellow and red and white. but how can i go on a diet and not eat a giant mound of fresh vegetables? However easy it is to not buy the dirt-cheap Nutella (and, yes, it is dirt-cheap here, and i'm SURE it's still delicious), as often as i can say "yes, that ice cream looks great, but i don't particularly want any," i do not have the willpower to not eat tofu until i am stuffed full. Yum. so i have never been on a diet. and i do not want to ever be on a diet. I am not willing to sacrifice my mental health. Again.

and i like my body. (I AM A FUCKING GODDESS.) i like just about everything about it. i like the little bones that poke out just before my wrists. i like my knobbly, interlocking toes. i like the curve of my neck and the lines of my palm and the scar just on my hairline. so how does this liz, you're not anorexic enough thing get in my head? I never let it in. I like my body.

but having it change so quickly is disorienting. i weigh more now than i ever have. Not a lot more, but more. and even that, even with knowing that every doctor i have seen says i'm doing great, i'm the picture of health, even knowing that i'm not supposed to be thinking, now, about what the body-mass indicator might think of me (and, even now, i'm still not "overweight"), even though i concievably count as two people instead of one and therefore get a bit of a pass, and with me still on the very low end of how i should be changing, weighing more than i ever have, holy shit, that'll throw a girl for a loop. Holy shit, that'll throw a girl for a loop.

Labels: health

scrawled @ 15:32