scrawls.

scrawls

still cheaper than therapy*

17.11.06

it's like deja vu all over again.

so - of course - as soon as you figure out why something bothers you to such a ridiculous degree, it minimizes, not because you figured out why it was bothering you, but that it stopped entirely for reasons beyond your control. But it's good to know where it came from, all the same, that all that is still there and that it can come back like this and next time i will know why. especially because i know i'm right, because it's my head i'm doing the figuring out on, so there's no maybe do you think and no miscommunication. it is such a satisfying feeling, teasing that out. they'd be the best puzzles if they weren't so awful to go through. when i do this i get the idea that someday i will have my whole head mapped out, that i will be able to identify where every thought comes from, and that would be a very weird thing, but doesn't it also sound a little like nirvana?

similarly, something happened just a little while ago to someone, and i thought it had never happened before to someone i knew or particularly liked, only it did, and i had just forgotten all about it. and the first one, well, that all worked out in the end, more or less, kind of, or it would have been easier if everyone asked my advice to begin with. because i was right and i wasn't sure i would be, i really wanted to be, and it took years and years to come out, and then after it all i was. Unexpectedly, really. i mean i thought it was a lost cause so i let it go. But the fact that the first one is all okay now, or mostly, or at least they're okay with it, gives me hope for the second. If hope is what you can call it, instead of some stabby little hurry-it-up vodou inner-head thing, because calling this holding anybody in the light would be a stretch.

Labels: reflection

scrawled @ 03:51