scrawls.

scrawls

still cheaper than therapy*

22.12.05

i am picking at my white girl guilt like a scab.

i sent a check to the brazos food bank, because one in five families locally recieves their help. it's a crazy huge number of people and i sent them enough for christmas dinner for quite a few seeing as how turkey is like a dollar forty a pound, or something. now they're probably going to publish my name again. what if someone i know sees it? because they send out a list of everyone who gives them money (which i believe is a legal thing of some sort). they published my name somewhere last year and it's almost like being ashamed - for gods sake nobody else needs to know this. i would hate it if someone asked me about it. it's like being caught with your pants down and all your vulnerability out. please just take my money and come back next year and let's pretend we don't know each other until then, okay? and for crying out loud, no thank you cards.

i dropped a large pile of clothing and implements of kitchenry at goodwill and made a complete fool of myself by saying the rice cooker was dishwasher safe. Oof. Who the fuck cares if its dishwasher safe - the dude was asking if it worked. It does. do they even have dishwashers? also, i felt crumby for having lost the rice cooker booklet. And weird about some of the clothes - my mom has a mending pile she's never, in my memory, mended anything from. i have no mending pile: i have a goodwill pile. lose a button? why no, i'm not gonna fix that shit (even if it would only take about a minute and a half). i'm gonna hope someone who needs it and who is more likely to fix it in a timely manner than i would be can buy it for a dollar fifty instead of two or three. plus that way nobody has to throw it away. The jacket was good. And the dress. And all those fucking sweaters i've never even worn.

i tried (unsuccessfully, since he said "no, thank you") to give my single biscotti (which i really think ought to be biscottus, without disproof of which i will continue to believe indefinitely, but didn't want to make a fool of myself twice in five minutes) to a homeless person. he was very nice though.

there is something else about christmas that really makes white privilege stand out. and you can barely look at certain people because you're absolutely white-hot-ed-ly glowing with shame and indulgence and i just paid three fucking dollars for a cup of coffee and the dumb luck of being born in what in many parts of the world would be well above middle class (my cup of coffee is worth three days of your labor) and how is our collective social conscience even okay with this?

WHERE IS YOUR COMPASSION, BITCH?

scrawled @ 23:13