scrawls.

scrawls

still cheaper than therapy*

19.12.05

home for the holidays

which is, of course, something one is never quite sure if one ought to be looking forward to or not. one sort of ought to be, ideally, but then it just doesn't happen. and it's not only because they bring out the worst in me: i think i might exacerbate all sorts of things in them as well. i'm not sure if, when i go home because they want me to go home and spend time with them, it helps, or if it's just making everything that much more expansively explosive, if you will, that much more volatile. and i don't know how to make it better, and everything i can think of that might, would only have at least as much chance to piss somebody off, and scramble downhill from there. and i don't want to exacerbate things. which makes me scaredey and nervous. which makes me blog.

somehow, i escaped. and there is this Huge Pile of Guilt. because here i am, pretty much whole, with a house and a college degree and a job with health insurance and a steady paycheck and a husband and not even one but two dogs and friends and people i trust and things i enjoy, and pretty much stable and not what i'd call depressed, even. Plus i have managed to make the husband's family like me: i have functional extended and immediate families, now, which on a very specific level is something i always wanted. and you always wonder if it is genetic, or if it is contagious. either would be bad. and if i am self-actualizedly whole and healthy, first, how did i do that and why can't the rest of them, and second, who and what do i owe this to and where did it come from (google resiliency), and third, if i go back, will it all vaporize, and am i putting myself at risk somehow, and if i am, how am i supposed to prioritize that, or am i even able to help them in some way i have, quite honestly, yet to identify?

and if labelling x and y and z as This Is A Disorder - which is something that almost seems like a hobby, Ooh, it's syndrome this week, it's ism - even helps anyone or if it just stigmatizes people and makes them a victim and enables it all the more. and you can't google i think my brother needs my help, but then i think it would backfire. and people always say go to a therapist but again do i believe in therapists? and if i do, am i the one that needs the help? would my going to a therapist change anything for them? make their lives remotely easier?

and after the New Immediate and Extended Family met the Old Immediate and Extended Family (not, to be clear, that this is replacement terminology, but merely identificative), they noticed. and they asked me about it and i don't even remember what i said, but i'm sure they mentioned afterwards oh yes oh i'm sure, but she's very sensitive about it, and wouldn't you be, and i hate being pitied. Which makes me angry.

and see: i don't need a therapist, because i get this shit for free on the internet! therapists only go mm hmm and how does that make you feel and i will TELL you how it makes me feel for free.

scrawled @ 18:50