scrawls.

scrawls

still cheaper than therapy*

21.9.05

survivor's guilt

ever feel bad because you got all the decent, um, Stuff that You Had No Control Over, and someone else got totally screwed? over things that, still, you had no control over. especially when you both could have come out perfectly fine and you have no idea how one of you came out of it all basically okay, on the whole, and the other one is ... just ... not okay at all. and it's not fair. and there's still not a damn thing you can do about it, which really makes you feel even worse, because obviously you got all the good parts and while this screwed-over-person got all the shitty parts there's nothing you could have done, nothing you can do now, all you can do is stand and watch and be self-consciously guilty, you wish you could help them but it just never turns out well when you try. and it's not like you can bring it up, either, because doing so would be recognizing all this, and giving voice to it, and you don't really know if that would help at all and kind of doubt it really and especially when it might bring on something.

and while this was you, too, you could have been screwed-over-person, and you fought your way out of it, with the biting and scratching and metaphorickal bloody parts, and sometimes you sorta wonder that why couldn't screwed-over-person also do that? if i could, and after all you're awfully similar, really, however you try to deny it, only how could you make that decision, to claw your way out of it, and they not? why would they not? when you had all the same chances, all the same opportunities, why would they not escape too? and you feel sort of like, maybe they made the other decision. and if they did - and at times it almost seems like - and i was there, and i made it, and how can they not? so they must not want to, almost, only that can't be right, it can't be, because what kind of blame-the-victim bullshit is that. And more guilt. see? because it's not there but for the grace go i. no. i was there too. and it's frustrating. And more guilt. And not fair.

scrawled @ 15:59