scrawls.

scrawls

still cheaper than therapy*

30.4.04

i always get dizzy when i cry.

with george we had some idea, you know, okay, he has cancer, shit happens, it had been a possibility - it's always better when you can prepare your psyche beforehand - and it was what, a fucking month and a half ago ... and i got nothin. i'm floored. i have to keep this link. and this one too. fuck april. shit always goes down in fucking april. eliot knew what the fuck he was talking about. i fucking hate eliot. not even emily dickinson, robert frost - they're nothing - fuck eliot. fuck eliot. nothing.

but something, something about this is healthy, something is working through, something is getting this fucking out - and it's there, for the whole world, only saying things aloud is so much more real.

and there's nothing, nothing - this is why people are atheists - 'cuz fuck you, fuck you -

and that's it - over and over and over - there's nothing -

when george died i thought (as the masochistic fuck i am) it would be a good idea to count the dead people i knew - at 20 it got depressing -

and i have such worse hangovers when i cry than when i get drunk on anything, on wine, on fucking champagne, nothing, and then it's even worse. cuz i'm hung over from crying and still ... i have this massive, massive headache already ...

and this, this is how i always am, i'm fucked up for a while, an hour, a day, a week, and i wash my face a lot, and my sinuses swell up and there's this massive lump in my throat so i can barely speak or swallow - and then i'm okay, and i know this will happen, but i keep the anger bit for, oh, what's it been, well over a decade by now, and

oh, fuck, bill - george - josh - everyone - fuck -

Labels: people, reflection

scrawled @ 04:10