scrawls.

scrawls

still cheaper than therapy*

26.5.11

new chapter

(or, rather, i may have skipped several chapters, i can't ... have that conversation, over and over and over, i can't. i'm done. i won't.)

i think maybe something in me is whole that wasn't before.

but that isn't it - that isn't it at all. those are entirely the wrong words, it's

maybe i should learn tibetan. maybe hindu. aramaic, even. i don't think it would go any better in german. but i

i was thinking about it and i think i may have been raptured. maybe this is it. and the funny thing is

i knew this would come, i found my path to this moment, i

How boring, though, to read about a happy medium, when Candide has been around for centuries.

and i can't put the sordid details up, it'd all be so very Page Six. i won't. but without the bones of the story it won't make sense: M left; he took the dog and i kept E; i worked, and i waited, and i healed; and then i met Y, and of course M has been with A since before the beginning of it all, and now my life is alphabet soup on a very complicated schedule. Nobody plans that.

i mean for this to sound happy. i am not sure i am communicating in an effective manner. every time someone new hears what happened they go oh how awful, my god, you poor thing if they know how to react at all, and a lot of people don't, even remotely, and yes of course that is all true, objectively, it was hideous. But it's not the point.

I will have a balcony, a real live balcony, facing south to the sun and the grass and the trees, i will have a whole new apartment to find things to hang on the walls, a new kitchen to organize, breakfast and dinner every day, with my family that is growing again to include this new other grownup person. That, that is what i mean, right there.

Labels: drama, family, writing

scrawled @ 22:26

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2.5.11

2.0

i waited, and waited, and waited, a millimeter, a micron at a time, and last week E brought home her dad's girlfriend's stuffed teddy-kangaroo and wanted to sleep with it. And told me how cute it was. And wanted me to hug it. And it ... was pretty soft and fuzzy, actually.

He said he'd bring photos of her at Easter at the girlfriend's parents' - he apologized, again, for it being hard, and she apologized, too, for what it's worth, and you know, i know it's a nice gesture but i don't think they are doing it for me. but here is a thing: seeing photos of my daughter enjoying herself is not hard. To have extra people who love you is never a problem (i have caught up to myself, seeing as how i knew i would) and she has always collected grandparents like they're pink.

On the train we were all sitting across from a woman, another omaly type, and this woman asked E if she loved mommy or daddy more - she was sitting on Y's lap, hanging around his neck, and what a thing to ask a kid, honestly, and Y looked so uncomfortable and explained to the woman that daddy had left ages ago and he was someone else (really i think she was only commenting on how cute and happy we all were together and did not need this information, a stranger on a train) - but we go to the park and they fly, and we climb, and we have this golden patchwork moment and everything is perfect and i adore my life.

This is the new normal: we three play legos and ponies and pretend, we have dinner, on weekends we have breakfast. He has a jahreskarte at the zoo. In June we will all have a bigger apartment, a balcony, a garden. E's room will be nearly double what she has now, and we'll be a block from the subway but still quiet.

Labels: family

scrawled @ 08:19

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