scrawls
still cheaper than therapy*


25.12.08
lucky month (no internet)
turkey was great! tune in next week for france.

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scrawled @ 20:10

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15.12.08
almost
Halfway between TS Eliot and Jean Teasdale or exactly in lockstep with each. Wandering and half-random and slow, meandering like an overfed vulture, awkward and poorly equipped for this, now, but still reminiscent of something that was once or could be or could have once been and there but for the grace. With any luck. A sacred cow in ruins, the surface of the moon, the broken skull of Helen of Troy: but impossible to identify sitting on a dusty cat-piss doily. my God, what the right editor could do.

But it nearly gives me hives.

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scrawled @ 14:18

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12.12.08
note to self
Moron, that is what the polarizing filter is for.

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scrawled @ 12:31

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11.12.08
examples
Things Big E likes to eat:For lunch, right now, we are having:What we are going to eat in Turkey:

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scrawled @ 12:53

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8.12.08
from four thousand miles
and there is a scan, and then a surgery, and afterwards there is a long, long wait on the cytology, or the biopsy, or the histology, and all i have is a stupid, old-school, staticky telephone to the hospital, full of delay, and it's like everything stops, hanging in the air with visible, shattered dust. Everything stops, somewhere outside the window, the world is still going, it must be, but everything stops, until the test comes back and then it is over, or it all begins again.

and i'm not close, and i'm not near, but the immediacy is still an eighteen wheeler to the face. If i weren't so damn good at keeping it together i think i'd have moments of reeling.

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scrawled @ 21:18

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7.12.08
it's odd, what you remember
because i saw some thing that said it was the anniversary of Pearl Harbor and thought, in this order: oh, it must be either so-and-so's, or so-and-so's birthday, then, except, no, that's wrong, there's two of them, they must be in August with the bombs.

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scrawled @ 19:07

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2.12.08
fourteen months
Mama has been cheating for a while now: you were born late, but even so, i start saying you're almost-the-next-month when you've still got two weeks to go. So everyone i work with thinks you've been fourteen months for a little while already.

Finally you are walking to get places quickly. You have passed the point where you'll just keep crawling or walking depending on the position you happen to be in; now, you deliberately stand up and go somewhere. Not always. And still when you topple you proceed on all fours perfectly happily; but you will make it all the way to the kitchen or to the nightstand or to anywhere within the apartment perfectly fine without toppling, even making it over the little steps. Both ways. Though each little step is very small, and there is never more than one.

Sometimes, even, when you are dancing, you jump up and down, with both feet just almost off the floor at the same time. The dancing is extraordinarily cute and you are coming up with new moves all the time.

You are understanding more words - tiger and flamingo and cat and bathroom and not-yet - you definitely understand no and you shake your head back at me sadly and i think that that word you are saying is nein nein nein nein nein nein over and over and over, and i think you learned that at the tagesmutters', though you mostly say it when you're playing - and you have learned to give high fives and to blow kisses. Probably in another week you'll have a whole new vocabulary, and be sitting still again; it sort of seems like you go back and forth with lots of stuff, but it seems like now that you're learning to walk you're really concentrating on that and not talking as much. So whoever tells me that talking slightly less sometimes is an early signal of autism is going to get the nuclear option; and anyway you're still saying plenty of recognizable things and babbling and sharing and cuddling, just with not as many proper words as at the high point, and for that matter you haven't stopped doing any signs, which is an interesting difference. You have with many other things also pretended to forget for a little while, only to come back a little bit later with a much more complete mastery. So i'm not concerned. Too much. (Everybody: Nuclear option.)

You like to sit and play on the floor of the kitchen while i make dinner. And one day you pulled out the drawer with the plastic recycling and took out all the plastic recycling and stood in the drawer and that was clearly not a safe thing to continue doing, so i convinced M that we could remove the drawer (um, and also take out the plastic recycling more often, i guess) and then you could have a little E-sized place to sit and play and of course immediately when i took out the drawer, you looked in the hole, and crawled in the hole, and out again, and we played hide-and-seek for a while with you peeking out of the hole at me, cutie, and it's a little bit small yet as you haven't quite figured out how to safely turn around and get out in a way that is not headfirst, but i think you will very quickly. And if we're not getting you the baby egg chair from IKEA (which is a whole other story - do we need a new desk? new computer? new laptop? delivery? if we are getting a new laptop, we don't need a new desk, and if we're not already getting a desk, we don't want to get a delivery of just a baby egg chair, right? Because the last time we got something from IKEA the delivery cost more than the items.) then you might as well have a little E-sized place to sit in the kitchen.

To eat the Thanksgiving (you like turkey and dressing and rolls and potatoes, sometimes you like carrots and squash, but you don't like green bean casserole) you have at least three molars. And you know the teethy stuff, sometimes you come up and point at it and then if you get your hands on it you try to squeeze the whole tube into your mouth. You haven't yet figured out that you have to take the cap off first, but you know where we keep the teethy stuff, there for you to point at and get frustrated if we can't give it to you because it's been less than eight hours since the last application. But in another ten months (which i guess i can tell from experience will fly like the wind) you can have all those baby tylenols, the drops and the quick-dissolving stuff and the little Fruit Roll-Up Tylenol strips.

You are almost big enough, just barely still too small, to climb on the couch. You can do it if somebody helps you up just a little bit - it really doesn't take much. One of these days you're going to figure out that you can climb on that little rolly cart, and stand on it, and get on the couch from there (or, for that matter, probably the bed); but we've been discouraging standing on the cart, so maybe we have a little while yet.

You are so much more independent, so much more a motive force. Things turn up in places that don't make sense: the doorstop in the chest of drawers, Zsazsa the duck in the closet, fluffy boots in the bathroom. Some friends mailed you a present including a mealtime set with princesses on it and you liked the cutlery so much that you hid them and we found the spoon, finally, in the bottom of your stroller, but the fork hasn't turned up yet.

Mommy will keep looking.

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scrawled @ 12:10

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