scrawls
still cheaper than therapy*


twenty-five weeks
Things we have called you:We also found you a onesie that says Don't Panic in large friendly red letters on the front (in German) and i couldn't help it, of course i bought it.

We've got you a little long teether that resembles a toothbrush and our dentist friend says that it's about the best idea ever. I may be exaggerating. But you like your little long teether to the point that when dog no. 1 destroyed the previous long teether, it was a hard time toughing it out over the weekend while the stores were closed, waiting to get you a new long teether. Except this time i got two, so that if something awful happens again to one of them, we'll have a spare.

Packing for the big trip home. No idea how we'll manage to get all this luggage to the airport. We leave tomorrow. Too much luggage. Must remember to pack the pump, to pack the toothy gel and the nail clippers, extra plastic bags. You've been in plastic diapers for nearly two days, since we can't do more laundry before we go and have it be dry enough to put away, and you don't seem to mind them, but the plastic diapers are much less bulky than cloth diapers - so all your pants are now too big. Small bum. Nicely for me and Daddy, though, the plastic diapers have to be changed much less often, what with the keeping you all dry, so that's handy. Eleven hour plane ride ahead with possibly no changing tables. Eek.

Crazy busy trying to get ready for this.

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random things
1. The fish i got even though it was north atlantic cod (lost in translation?) is MSC certified as ocean friendly and that is the one he talks about in Collapse, so, whatever

2. yes, you want videos, but i'm bringing you a real live baby, in what world is that not enough? Four long, long trips? Multiple layovers? All these airplanes are looming like Armageddon. we're fucked.

3. Greek place for dinner. i'm already salivating.

4. we ordered a new camera, seeing as how on the current digital, the, um, every button sticks. I think i've dropped it on concrete a couple too many times maybe. Canon Digital Rebel. Some lenses. Must buy fancy camera bag asap! Woot more bags! I mean, um, um, why no, i don't already have far too many purses that i never use but can't get rid of, and also, it annoys me a bit that i have so many damn bags but don't have one appropriate for use as a Fancy Camera Bag. Must identify some bags for donation. Fewer shoes, too.

5. heart The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. I have a crush on Sam Rockwell. On the other hand, didn't so much like the Napoleon Dynamite. We've watched a lot of movies lately.

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for what it's worth, while she's sleeping
i still have Collapse and Postwar and The Great Gatsby and Catch-22 and Against the Day and Its Light is the Lamb and A Confederacy of Dunces and - what was the other one? - One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest to read (and i could always hit One Hundred Years of Solitude again if i get bored) (i'm not running out of books in the near-term future. but, so, apparently, i like twentieth-century american literature?), but if Dooce is publishing something, i'm gonna buy it, and then i'm gonna read it. And if anyone else i pay regular attention to has written any novels lately (um, i realize, this is totally not confidential to anybody) - if i can read your .pdf, i'll totally paypal up some cash.

As soon as i learn how to paypal, anyway.

Edit: translation: somehow, even if i have to bribe your kids, i will get my dirty paws on it. Succumb. Succumb.

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twenty-four weeks
This has been a whirlwind of activity:

You have a tooth. At first you were just fussy - well, that's normal - and we'd been saying you were teething since you were about three weeks old - and then there was a little pointy bit that one could just feel with one's finger (presumably you could feel it a lot more than we could) and then it got bigger and sharper - thing was pointy - and then a day or two later we could just see it, just the tip, like an iceberg. An awful pointy ridge - no wonder you were fussy, really, and they say teeth come in pairs, so we're kind of still saying you're teething and waiting for the next one. So. You have a tooth. It is like a tiny needle - when you're nursing and you're almost done, you're not really so hungry any more, and then you chomp, and it's the worst when you're sleepy too because then i can't twitch and yell like i want to, because ow. But mostly it's okay. I mean, good. It's good.

You can sit up, unassisted, for a current record of about ten minutes. And you can save yourself from toppling pretty often - you start to lean over one way, and then correct, but without overcorrecting. Smart baby.

You can roll over. Or, anyway, you have now rolled over at least once every which way, entirely on your own. This has so far been entirely a non-event where you are concerned (in the case of back to belly) or a horrible, hideous, very surprising nasty surprise (in the case of belly to back). I think you bumped your head on the side of the crib maybe? I was making you bottles in the kitchen and you were certainly in a secure location, in the crib, with all the sides up, but as soon as you start rolling over really we'll have to lower the crib mattress to the middle spot. Maybe we're supposed to do that now that you've rolled over at all. Um, it can wait until the weekend, at least.

We got you a play mat with houses and roads and a little printed castle and a construction site with a big backhoe, and you seem to find it comfortable. Haven't rolled over on it yet, but you'll sit on it happily and chat. Of course now you're not on the play mat, because you can also rotate when you are on your belly to reach things - but unfortunately for you, you usually swat the things you are trying to reach farther away, or farther along in your rotating, so you go around in a little circle.

You drank milk just now from the Avent bottles, in addition to the Dr Browns' bottles. This is excellent because it means we don't have to pack the Dr Browns' ones and carry them back to the States, because the Avent ones fit the milk pump.

You have eaten the following, though whether or not any of it actually got swallowed, except in the case of the apple sauce, i'm not sure:There is a tiny jar of babyfood carrots waiting for you. Also an avocado. But banana was new today, so they have to wait. Sigh ... You make funny faces with the food. I'm mostly leaning towards the baby-should-mostly-eat-milk-for-a-year people, but it is just so much fun giving you stuff, i can't help it. So far there have been hardly any actual calories from non-milk items (even the applesauce, you only ate a tablespoon of, if that; and you've nursed before and after every Eating Solids event). A lot of the other Moms-group-moms started earlier, i think, or it seems like they did. Not that it particularly matters. But i want you to like food. I like food. I want to share that. Um, hence the schnitzel. Clearly we are doing a bit of combination of Real Food (schnitzel, baguette, rye bread) and Jarred Baby Food (applesauce mit birne, carrots). Seems reasonable. Middle road. Right? Because if all you had to eat was rice cereal - well, i don't like rice cereal so much, so it's not something i'm looking forward to giving you, so much, i guess. And you can't have mama's crunchy cereal yet, seeing as how it's, um, crunchy, and has chocolate and coconuts and strawberries and god knows what else. Tree nuts. And one of my parenting books un-reccomends the cereals as being lower calorie than breastmilk (which i thought was why you mixed them, but whatever, i'm going with it, and i have a citeable source).

Looking forward, also, to non-food things i can share: i think when we get back we are going to get the yearly pass to the Oldest Zoo In The World. Or at least the Oldest Still Functioning One. Because you watch Dog no. 1 (who has, by the way, adjusted well, please let's not talk about that) when she's sleeping. I am ridiculously excited by this. You can sit up in your stroller (or, honestly, more likely in the Ergo, but we tried the back carry! and it works!) and look at all the animals! There's a monkey house! And a baby panda! Baby panda is a month and a half older than you, but he is only eating milk and bamboo. I think you're cuter, though, and i can't believe the mama panda is carrying a nine kilogram wiggly critter with her teeth.

Oh! And i've seen you doing baby pushups. So crawling is not far off. Also i think you want to grow up to be Zaphod Beeblebrox because sometimes you have a toy in your right hand and a toy in your left hand and you see another toy and you want to pick it up but you don't have any hands left and LIFE IS SO UNFAIR. And i love you, you sweet, silly thing. Look, i'm getting all mushy over how you scream when you can't chew on five things at once. Aww.

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(fwd) For your expecting friend:
http://www.kellymom.com
*Very* helpful website with lots of good advice for many situations. This is where i always look first (in fact, i'm looking at their info on starting solids right now...) . How to get a good latch, ways to increase milk production, foods to avoid, how to work and breastfeed, and also information on nighttime parenting and nutrition and postpartum depression and many other things.

http://www.llli.org/resources.html?m=0
la leche league, which also has information. They can be strident and opinionated, but still very helpful. I think the website has links to breastfeeding groups worldwide for lactating moms' meet-ups.

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=breastfeeding+latch&search_type=
Also - i was surprised by this - there are a lot of breastfeeding videos on YouTube, showing how to know when you have a good latch, different positions, et c. I found the videos helpful - like having a lactation consultant in your computer :)

http://www.askdrsears.com/
Kind of - what am i looking for - commercial. But still good. Heavy on the attatchment parenting, but i'm okay with that.

http://www.askmoxie.com
A mom's blog, with great archives and good advice and many people's experience in the comments. Plus you can write in and ask questions.

Tell your friend, good luck - for me, it hurt a good bit at the very beginning; after about two weeks it just stung a bit at the very beginning when Erica latched on, and then hurt for a minute or so; and by the time she was two months old it didn't hurt at all. But everyone's experience is different and she may be fine right from the start :) I find that i have more milk when i drink more water (this is important for working and pumping, mostly) - i'm also still taking a multivitamin (Elevit) and an omega-3 supplement and eating lots of fish when i remember to. (We eat pretty healthy anyway.) But i also down regular coffee and i have a drink when we go out to dinner. And i was lucky in that i am pretty sure breastfeeding helped me lose all the baby weight and then some. :)

There are also lots of books (LLL publishes one, also strident, also helpful) on the topic - i'm sure your friend will find plenty of resources :) cheers!

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twenty-three weeks
This week has been brought to us by the letter B. Booo booo booo booo booo booo booooo. Aaahhhhhhhh.

Also, you can sit up now for a record of at least two and a half minutes. Unassisted. And sometimes you start to topple but manage to correct it.

And after T's week and an eternity long visit, which was lovely and we had a great time, but now mama and daddy are very sleepy. G'nite lovey. I think you're starting another growth spurt, or maybe you're just continuing teething, or anyway i'm too sleepy for this to make any sense at this point, so maybe i'll edit it later.

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five months
so, in Salzburg and upon returing, it became clear: it is going to be a trial, this three week trip. You were so glad to be home, stretching out all happy on the orange IKEA blanket in your crib, relaxed and sleeping. I think we have to get some extra orange IKEA blankets and take one or two with us. You didn't hate the train, not in the slightest, and the white noise in the hall (we were lucky enough to get compartment seats each way) helped a bit, but then you got tired, and then you got overtired, and then you got angry to be overtired, and we are just going to have to really make sure that you are getting lots and lots and lots of sleep while we travel (and, so, screw whoever wants to be your friend: you need a nap, so they are just going to have to watch you sleep. Or hear you scream).

We got you one of those pyramids of multicolored plastic rings and gave it to you this morning (it says six months and up, but you are advanced, clearly) and you loved it. You laid on your belly and smacked at it for a while and i think you would have smacked at it for a while longer if we hadn't had to leave - it is on a rocking base and has bells inside, so it jingles when you hit it.

In Salzburg we did just go with the Ergo. And i wore you for most of the first day but then around midafternoon or so i made M wear you because i was getting tired. And you are big. And so while M was wearing you we hiked up a little bit of a hill, just on one end, and i was all proud of myself because i wasn't at all out of breath and it was a pretty sizeable hill to be hiking (while being, um, a very small Alp). And then the next day we hiked the other side of the hill and then i was tired and a bit out of breath, just a little really, and i think we were both fit enough to make poor T feel self-conscious, and anyway that was maybe a million and twenty stairs so enough for anybody to be honestly tired. but you were peacefully sleeping there on my chest and it clicked in my head that the day before i hadn't been tired because unstrapping you is like instantly losing fifteen pounds. We'll see Thursday how big you are then: you're up for the last round of your big six-shooter immunization. I think after this one you're done until your first year birthday, maybe, when you get an MMR. Mama got a tetanus vaccine on monday (since it had been, oh, um, fifteen years since the last one, maybe? Maybe more?) and i have a big ugly yellow bruise, but it only hurt for a day or two. (Mama is tough as nails.)

You are so big, though. Huge. Seriously. You take up so much more lap than you used to, and i can lie on my back and if i am lifting you up under your arms, i can just barely clear your feet. And you enjoy being dangled and swung about and turned upside down so much - you like dancing, with all the dips. i think M and i are getting awfully strong, as you ought to feel a lot heavier than you do. I think all your six-month-sized things are going to be too small before you hit six months. And we are going to have to start shopping here, too, at some point. Your winter coat is almost too small and i hope it starts staying warmer before it is really really too small.

Also the tagesmutter i think decided you need to be wearing shoes, because you never do (well, you can't walk, you can't crawl, you can't really roll over, so you don't go on the ground outside, plus you always always always kick them off within minutes of putting them on, so when you do wear shoes, i have to check every five minutes whether you still have them on or if we have to go back and find one) and she got us a pair, pink ones with little butterflies on them. I think purely by chance, insects are going to be big with you, with the butterfly and ladybug stickers on the changing table and the bees and dragonflies on the mobile above your crib and you have a couple of buggy books, Buzzy Bee This, Shiny Beetle That, and you have butterflies on your shoes and your clothes now, and butterflies are just so damn girly i feel like i want to steer you towards having an ant farm or a pet millipede or something. Bindi Irwin likes spiders.

And i hope to god you'll get some teeth soon. The tagesmutter even thinks you're teething. Everyone thinks you're teething. It makes you grouchy. I hope it ends. Especially because we're apparently heading dead into another hungry hungry growth spurt ... which i hope we'll weather well. So far at five months you've had about two ounces of formula, total, one day when you ate everything at the tagesmutters'. I am sending you now with sixteen ounces of expressed milk (i'm having good luck with the pump, too) and that seems to work pretty well; sometimes you finish, sometimes you don't, but anyway. Have to try out the bottles that fit the pump so that we don't have to pack extra things to go home ... it's taking weeks to prepare for this trip. I should have seen that coming, it takes ages to get things ready to leave the house for five minutes these days. But that's okay.

Also okay: this article. I want to tell New Mom, there, that it's hard and is hugely different, more different than moving to another country, more different than a new job or a new house or a new car or a new roommate or a new marriage, more different than anything. It is a leap of faith that makes jumping the Grand Canyon with rings of fire and lions and sparkly jumpsuits look like hopscotch. It is a swirl of chaos that makes a category seventy-eight hurricane almost serene. There is a rising panic like the sky is falling, falling, and the only choice you have is to zen out and watch it go as everything about your life changes down to the smallest details. It's like drowning. But then, you blink, and you realize you're still doing okay. That another day has gone by, and if the baby is screaming then she has healthy lungs, and if she's wet then she's well hydrated, that you are still alive and the baby is still alive and somehow everybody's head is still just barely above water. And you're a day closer to having a toddler, having a child, having a tween or a teenager or a college student or an adult. Closer to words, and to potty training, and to other things that will make it easier but also harder. And each day brings its own challenges, and sometimes they are similar to the day before, and sometimes they are completely new.

And just because you would betray everything you ever thought you'd loved to make her stop crying, just for a second, a heartbeat, well, i think, that just makes you normal. Um, i hope.

And you look at her sleeping and your heart explodes (but in a good way). And then she looks at you and smiles and it hits you like a truck, like a tsunami, this Tiny Force of Nature, and how is it even possible that people have been feeling like this about their daughters for all time? and you're left reeling, staggering, just barely able to contain it, to breathe, to do anything but look at her and wonder.

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